


There is an Ocean in my Soul (where the waters do not curve)

by goldtintedskies



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Introspection, Nott Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Nott-centric (Critical Role)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21538810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldtintedskies/pseuds/goldtintedskies
Summary: Set overnight in the Evening Nip during Campaign 2 Episode 85, Nott reflects on her life before and after her death and her crush on Caleb.
Relationships: Nott/Caleb Widogast, Yeza Brenatto/Nott
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	There is an Ocean in my Soul (where the waters do not curve)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Ocean by Against Me
> 
> Un-betaed so apologies for any spelling/grammar errors

That night Nott does not dream. Under the cover of darkness, she yearns for the life she lived before. Even sharing a room with the rest of the Mighty Nein, sharing a bed with Caleb, she is alone. Curled into her bedroll next to her sleeping teammates she cries silent tears for Veth, the woman she can no longer be.

That evening, the discussion of family had made her ache with longing for the past in a way she didn't think possible. The ache had consumed her thoughts and feelings, leaving only a gaping wound marking the absence of her husband and son. In response Nott had taken her flask, drinking more and more until the only thing which consumed her was the burning heat of the liquor. 

It hadn't been easy, being Veth. There was no denying that. The bullying and the teasing and the mocking had left their mark on her, skewing her perceptions of the world and herself. But eventually, life had been good. She had been lucky, she had built a good life. 

Veth had met Yeza. She’d fallen in love. She’d married! They’d been young when they got married, the pair of them, two awkward young adults fighting to survive in the cruel reality of small rural towns. They’d never had much growing up but at least then they’d had each other; they’d had each other’s love to rely on. They didn’t have anywhere else to go so they’d hunkered down in a town that hated them both, and built a future, built the apothecary together. The best part of that magical time in her life had been Luc. Her son! Her beautiful baby boy! She got to watch him grow and learn. She protected him and loved him as her own family had not loved her. For those precious years her one goal was to ensure that Luc never felt the way she had as a child. 

Not pretty. 

Not brave

Not wanted. 

Not loved.

Yet, even after all that, for a time Veth’s life had been good. 

Goblins attacked, her world changed, and then Veth Brenatto was no more.

Now, here in Zadash looking at the endless sea of faces from all four corners of the Empire and beyond, Nott marvelled at the world she would never have seen if things had gone differently on that fateful night. A small part of her even enjoyed it, and she felt guilt and shame rise in her at her acknowledgement of the fact. 

That same guilt had tracked her every move since she became Nott the Brave. Over a year ago now, she had sat in a cold jail cell, admiring how the moonlight caught Caleb's jaw. She'd felt guilty then too. In those dark and desperate time she’d even felt relieved. She knew she could never go back to her family, not like this, in this body, as a monster. The only way to live, to survive without crumbling under the weight of all that she’d lost, was to move on and forget that life before. If fantasising about her cellmate was how her mind chose to cope then so be it. 

(Nott had very carefully avoided thinking about how forcing down her love for Yeza made her feel sick to her stomach. She willed away the feeling with images of Caleb's jawline contrasting her green one and his charred finger tips caressing her skin.) 

When Nott had realised Caleb’s potential, the power he could harbour within, she’d left those fantasies behind. She moved forward, sustained by the hope of living life as Veth again. When the Nein found Yeza, shaking from fear in a cell, as she had done too so many moons ago, Nott didn’t allow herself to imagine again a world where Caleb took his place.

In Xhorhas the irony of her situation had been beyond cruel. Here, the one place where she could find acceptance in this wretched form, was the one place where Yeza and Luc would not be accepted. Since she had met Caleb, Nott had not once considered staying as a goblin.

But there was a moment, that first night in Xhorhas, where she let herself imagine a life here in this strange land. She could be accepted, live out her unnaturally shortened years under this twilight sky, pretend that life as Veth had simply been a bad dream. That Yeza could stay with her. That he would love Nott in her new body. She had lain fantasizing until the rest of the group woke for breakfast. As she had put away her bedroll, she’d packed away the fantasy too, sealing it away in the part of her brain where childish things like hamster unicorns and fairytale romance live.

Months later in the rooms above the Evening Nip in Zadash, Nott watches Jester sneak out to talk to the father that’s been missing for her entire life. She thinks about how by the time Luc is Jester’s age, she will be long dead. A goblin corpse which lead a goblin’s life, rotting beneath the earth. There will be no family reunion which ends happily for her son. 

A single tear rolls down her cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> I just have a lot of feeling about Nott's feelings, okay. I wanted to explore how she feels about her life as Veth in contrast to her life now, and how having a crush on Caleb (even temporarily) might have made her feel.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated :)
> 
> Find me on tumblr 
> 
> https://feyfrumpkin.tumblr.com/


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